BROKEN ANGEL ~ PART 1

I have tried not to share to much about my personal life on here, I think I hide behind this computor. Why did I title this Broken Angel? because that's is what I feel that I am and what my friends have told me.
I am going to share a story of my life,  and some things I have recently figured out on how I am going to deal with it.. First I heard this song by Miranda Lambert "THE HOUSE THAT BUILT ME" if you can listen to this and not cry your are a really strong person. I have listened to this song over and over and cry every time and it made me realize some things, I miss my life before my car accident when things where normal, well almost. I had that house that I helped design and raised my two boys in, there are hand prints on the sidewalk and our favorite dog buried by our favorite tree, I drive by this house sometimes and cry, I would love to knock on the door and be able to touch everything again and feel like I did when I lived there when things where somewhat normal and I was happy except for my abusive, acholic husband but that's another story.. I was happy because my sons where happy we had a great life when HE wasn't there, ( andfor the most part he was gone alot) we did everything together, we where so close, I have some really great memories there and sometimes I wish I could go back, its been 7 years since I have lived there and so much has happened, but before I go there let me take you back to a day when everything changed. Dec 23rd 2002, the day that changed my life forever. It was a day like everyday, it was the first time I took a vacation around Christmas and it was a Monday, I remember getting up that day, showering, and making plans for Christmas Eve my sons where18 and 19. Kyle my oldest son was home and I remember he walked me out side around 10:00 in the morning, we talked about his  girlfriend who was coming over for dinner on Christmas Eve and was there anything special he wanted me to make, We loved Christmas time I tried to make it special for them every year. I remember opening the door to the car saying I love you Kyle and be careful, he was on his way to work and would take a different route than me. That's the last thing I remember for 3 months when I woke up in my head,(thats how I describe it) I remember that day very well, I looked over and my mom was sitting there crocheting and I heard the TV, CNN was on, I never watched that show and I remember like it was yesterday my first words where "why are we watching CNN? Then Pain I felt terrible pain, my head was so foggy..where am I? Why do I hurt so bad? etc...
It was shortly after I learned what happened after I got in that car. I drove 2 miles from my house and my neighbor whose property butted up against mine ran a stop sign and I hit him. He died that day...WHAT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE DIED? I remember screaming those words, then all these thoughts flooded my head, I killed him, why, how, its all a blurr.....I was told how lucky I was to have lived my injuries where bad. I had a head injury, a broken strunum, alot of ribs broken, my kidney and liver where hurt, my knee was a mess (I have had around 9 surgery's on my knee 2 of those where total knee replacements on the same knee, that's a story too about why after a year I had to have it redone) I will post that later along with the abusive husband. My neighbor was thrown out of his car and it broke his neck he died instantly, I have read the police reports and it says it was not my fault, I have suffered terrible guilt from this, why did I go that way, what if this, what if that..none of that will make it go away he is gone, I know the whole family and I still cry when I run into them. I know I was lucky I saw pictures of my car..  how I lived is beyond me, well I do know "I had an angel" its the only way. I lost alot of faith that day and I hate that... because I love the Lord, but then I was mad at God for letting this happen and the chain of events that took place after. I was still home having surgery after surgery for almost a year after this. Then my now EX-husband did the unthinkable (remember he is an acholic and very abusive and when you live with an abuser you believe what they say to you but always forgive them and THINK you love them and your self esteem is destroyed) well he couldn't hurt me anymore than I already was which must have took the fun out of that, he told me I was a murderer (something that has scared me like nothing ever said to me before) and shortly afterward's filled for divorce and had me served papers in bed after my first knee replacement, I had just got home from the hospital, the poor guy that served me had to come upstairs in my bedroom where my knee was in this machine you have to be in after knee replacement for 8 hours a day. He moved out into a trailor he had bought and put it in his sister yard, she lives on a farm... So now what to do I couldn't live there by myself I was scared of him and my sons couldn't be with me all the time so my mom had all my stuff put in storage and moved me in with her so she could take care of me. My youngest son Kayle had already moved in with a friend and Kyle was ready to move out with friends too so for the first time since I became a mother I felt all alone, I had there total support and they visited and called often but it was not the same. TO BE CONTINUED!!