Dear Bill
I am so sorry you lost your life that fateful day, I have many times wished I had died two, I tryed 2 years in a row to end my life afterward's the day after Christmas ....each year since the anniversary of the accident which was 2 days before Christmas, I have no explanation for this except the fact that was my favorite holiday and in my sick mind since I couldn't make it special for my kids that year I made sure the next years where ones to make up for that and then the day after tried and did not succeed thank God!! What I put my kids through I apoligize to them too.
Bill many time I have went through the what ifs...what if I went the other way that day? I could have taken 2 different routes...what if I had stayed home, what if I hadn't taken my vacation from work that week, it was a Monday, etc..etc... I could what if myself silly, I am so sorry that you lost your life that day, I have no memory so I don't know if I wasn't paying attention or if I could have swerved to miss you but the police reports say you ran a stop sign and there was no way I could have stopped it from happening. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever been through and the hardest thing I have not been able to forgive myself for..I know your in heaven and I hope with all my heart you have forgiven me as well as your family. I knew you for so many years we where neighbors I babysit your grandson for 5 years..Maybe thats what made it the hardest for me, then my ex called me a murder and that stuck in my head..I think that is the meanest thing anyone ever said to me and the hardest thing to get out of my head..My therapist told me it was not my fault and I have to forgive myself to completely move on..I would love to have one day to hear you tell me you forgive me for what happened that day...I so hope you do forgive me and someday when we meet in heaven I get the chance to tell you myself...Your family has been so nice to me but I just can't be around them its so hard, I break down everytime so I had to move to get away from all of it I hated being known as that person who killed Bill H. or at least the other driver thats hard and when your from a small town no one forgets again accept my forgiveness and I hope your happy in Heaven...This song made me think how lucky I am my boys are not in it.....
hold on
*RavenMaty* | Myspace Video Sincerely Pamela
I really can't imagine what that feels like. I know that it must have been terrible. However, the thing is this: the accident was not your fault. BUT ~ even if it had been your fault and you had been the one to run the stop sign, it still would have been an ACCIDENT. We have to find ways to forgive ourselves for accidents. We make mistakes. We are flawed. All of us. Guilt has no useful purpose other than to point us toward forgiveness. We need to forgive others and ourselves. It is far easier to forgive other people than to forgive ourselves. I know that from firstand experience! Not forgiving yourself is a waste of your energy and time. Bill is already in a place where he understands things that you and I can't even begin to comprehend. He is plugged directly into God. Think about that for a minute. Imagine someone being plugged directly into God and all of that LOVE that God IS and then holding a grudge against you. It just isn't possible. Bill understands The Grand Design. He gets that it was his time to go. It was your challenge to live with it. Your challenge to forgive yourself. We all have to die somehow. Forgive yourself today. Truly. Thoroughly. Without doubt. Understand fully that Bill is right where he is meant to be. Things happened the way that they were meant to happen. ((Hugs)) You are awesome. Huge Heart. Don't doubt yourself!
ReplyDeleteThanks Robin your response brought tears to my eyes!!! and I know your right, every year I get a little better about it but its still hard...I really am trying thanks for being such a great friend
ReplyDeletethanks for sharing such a sacred piece of you. and try to forgive yourself a little more, i think bill is speaking through you and you can see his forgiveness on this page.
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