THAT DAY!!

I never knew so much wrong could happen in one day, one hour, one minute, one second....but for me I have learned so much can happen in that length of time. I don't know how long a car wreck takes but I know how much wrong can happen because of it. You can lose almost everything including your life. Never take any day or anything for granted because so much can change in such a small amount of time. You can get up one morning and your happy, healthy so much to live for and then out of no where WHAM everything changes. I was that girl, I was happy, I lived in a great house, had a great job, and a great relationship with my 2 sons. then 8 years ago 2 days before Christmas I walked out my door got in my car and found out just how quickly things can change. I don't remember anything for 3 months after  but when I did come back to reality life SLAPPED me in the face. I was hurt, really hurt, I don't remember not one part of my body not hurting, I remember the day like yesterday, that I started to remember its strange what a head injury can do to your mind what it will let you remember or not for me I don't remember a thing about THAT DAY. I found out in bits and pieces, that day 3 months before I was headed to the store and 2 miles from my house a wreck happened, a man died (my neighbor) he was driving the other car and it was his fault, at least that is what the police reports say I have struggled with the what ifs for some time now, I didn't leave that day to hurt someone but I am alive and he is not I knew him really well and I am sure that's what makes it worse. Will I ever get past this, maybe if I could have one thing back and that would be my sons, I mean they are still my sons but during this time they grew up and moved on with there own lives, I am still stuck back when this all happened and we all lived in the same house, and I was with them everyday I never got to experience real closure with them it all happened so fast at least for me. They have no idea how I really feel, we where so close I did everything with them and NEVER wanted them to move away, when I hear people say I can't wait for my kids to grow up and move out I want to say be careful for what you wish for, its hard. I don't live in the same town now its too hard seeing the other man's family, I am a small town girl and you run into everyone all the time, its not like I moved so far away about an hour and a half, I do talk to them on the phone, not as much as I would like they are so busy with there jobs, there friends, there lives. I just remember what it was like when I was so important to them now I feel like I am just a pest, someone they want to brush away if they could. I know they love me but getting them to come see me or spend time with me is so hard about 3 to 4 times a year we get together all of us and I am soooo happy I want to cherish every second of it and I don't want it to end so i take picture's in my mind and with my camera, (do I do this to prove to myself it happened?) hmmm I wonder. OH and if your wondering yes I go see them that's how I get to spend time with them they don't have time to come my way and it hurts.... I went to a football game the other night with some friends around here where the boys playing where in 5th and 6th grade, I even commented I wish I could shrink my boys back to that age....am I weird? NO I am lonely my heart aches for them and all the memories I have of them, we did everything together...I mean almost everything I even went to parties with them and had so much fun, I never missed a function of any kind (school, sports, or whatever) with them some of my favorite times where when they got home from work or out on a date or what ever they where doing that I could.not go with them that no matter how late it was they would wake me up and we would go talk about there day or night I miss that it never mattered to me the time or what I had to do the next day they came first and I made sure they knew it  they trusted me with so much they told me everything alot of people don't believe that but they did they where 18 and 19 when this wreck took place, almost grown but then again not, then THAT DAY took place and they lost there mom as they knew it, I was hurt, going through surgery's and such I didn't want them to feel like babysitter's and thats when it all took place they had to find someone else to talk to about there days, there lives, they where not close to there dad he was an alcoholic and we divorced shortly after they found girls to take my place which I am so glad but all the while we kept growing so far apart I miss our life before THAT DAY. I love facebook but alot of there friends are my friends and have been for years on FB and real life....I see what my boys are up to there, its so sad to me I just want to spend time with them I don't want to meddle, so I always take what I can get which in the end isn't much, I cry alot because I have this hole in my heart that aches for them, misses them, I am not sure they ever think of me its like I disappeared that day, is that how it works? Sometimes i wish I had died then I would not feel all this pain but then again I have been down that road trying to end my own life twice over the death of the other man, maybe they are embarresed???  I know some of you are thinking "they didn't die" but it still hurts, I am always asking them to come see me I moved to a town in Missouri, Branson..there is so much to do my husband now even works at Silver Dollar City a theme park that is such a fun place a place the boys and I have so many good memories but so far they have not, there is always something going on that they can't..I want to ride rollar coaster's with them eat bad food till we puke, stay up talking all night, playing games whatever just spend some time but THAT DAY happened and its never been the same for me.............I pray everyday that things will change, I am sure your wondering what is wrong with this girl?? I couldn't sleep last night and I watched a sad movie that made me cry and think WAY to much, I don't sleep alot anyways and then throw in a sad movie talk about too much stimulation.....It would probably help me if I had friends around me, but I moved away from all my friends and family I really like it here I am just lonely and when I get this way I start thinking of yesterday when life was simple and they where young...Kids grow up and move on so cherish every moment, every late night, dirty diaper..etc...My therapist told me that I would probably be dealing with all this better if it had not happened all in one day with no real closure, I got the empty nest thrown in my face and I didn't even know it was happening. I know life goes on and they grew up and this will pass too once they get married and have kids of there own..I often wonder if they feel abandoned by me I was always there for whatever they needed then THAT DAY happened and it has never been the same. Mom wasn't there when I needed her and they had to move on I just pray that we will get back to the way we where, it will never be the same but it could be close....

Here they are being silly, I love you guys and miss you terribly..please make some time for mom!!!! oh don't worry they don't even know I have a blog they won't ever read this......