I feel like I can tell you anything but there are things in my past I just feel like if I told you it might make you love me less...LIKE: why would I stay with a man who beat me for so long 23 years long I know you know but I can't explain it to you I didn't believe in divorce and had I stayed with him I would probably be dead now...I am so glad you came into my life but I hate that I don''t feel comfortable enough to talk to you about this when I should be able to talk to you about it above anyone else....I am also embarresed to talk about my suicide attempts I am not sure you know about that and again I should be able to talk to you about it but I don't want you to judge me even though I doubt you would..You know how I struggle with my accident and Bill's death that day and how I have felt for years that it was my fault he died that day even though I know now it was not my fault he ran the stop light and I am sure he would be upset to know how it affected me knowing it was his fault..I couldn't live with the fact my ex called me a murderer and that sent me spirling to a really bad place and I tryed to end my life not once but twice it is so embarrasing that I took all that guilt I felt then and tryed to end my life..I want to tell you but then I am afraid you would walk on eggshells around me wandering if I will ever try again..I love my life with you and I know I will never go that route again but I still don't want you to know..you might and I don't know but that's OK that's my past not our future. Jay I trust you completely but there are things I just don't want to talk about because I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I love the way you love me and I want it to stay that way.. I can't and won't ever talk about how I got stung out on pills after that day how I used to buy drugs on the street to feel better, I can't believe it myself and I hope you never find that one out I feel so bad and so glad I never got caught. I know there is alot in my past you don't know but lets leave it that way our relationship is based on honesty now and I will never do anything that I don't discuss it with you before hand,,oh and if you ever find out about the drugs I am so past that I am proud of myself because that was one thing that was so hard to get past but also before I met you so why bring it up now, I know you think I am this innocent princess but I know I am not.. I love you so much if you ever find out all the bad I hope you don't hold it against me, I love you with all my heart your the best Hubby in the world and just think on the 28th of this month we will be married a month can you believe it? I love you more today than I did then..I do hope if you ever find out all the bad things and stupid things I have done you can forgive me there is alot more but I can't write it all down..
your loving Princess Pam
If this is weighing on your heart, you will eventually have to tell him. If he is the great guy you think he is than he will understand. If he doesn't understand, then he isn't as great a guy as you think. Does that make sense? He may struggle with the abuse thing. People who haven't been in an abuse relationship don't get it. It does not make sense because it is nonsensical. I didn't get it until I lived it. That is how that works. If you tell him, I would start by saying that abuse doesn't make sense to people who haven't lived there. It doesn't make sense to a person who has lived there and gotten out. They don't understand their own choices. Abuse shorts out your brain. No one in an abusive relationship thinks clearly ~ hence the bad choices. On the other side of this coin, your man is also flawed. Different flaws than yours, but you love him and accept him. That counts for something. At some point you have to decide if you can trust him.
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